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Last Thursday, I had an interesting discussion with my German professor. It started with my complaining about the English professor I had last semester. From there, we got onto the topic of the US educational system verses the European educational system.

Now, for the record, for all its faults, I think the American system is better. I have real issues with forcing someone to decide at 14 what they want to do with their life. A lot of that has to do with the fact that at 27, I still don't know what I want to do with my life. That doesn't even cover the social and economic benefits that a higher average level of education confers.

The topic eventually wandered to politics. We were discussing the successes and failings of the current administration. He commented that he was glad he hadn't been in office on September 11, 2001.

I replied, "I don't even believe in God, but I thank him every day I wasn't in office on September 11..."

I meant it as a joke, but it sparked a far more interesting conversation than the one we were having.

To some extent, it's true. I don't believe in God, or god, or Allah. My faith got broken when I was about 7 or 8 years old. Of course, if you look at that statement, it's telling. I say it got broken. Not that I lost it, but that it got broken. The funny thing about faith is, you can find it again if it's lost, but once it's broken, it's almost impossible to repair.

But how did it get broken?

Someone, when I was six years old, made the mistake of introducing me to logic and critical thinking. From that point on, I was screwed.

See, the more I thoughts about it, the less I was able to except a God who was willing to condemn a person to hell for something as simple as, say a having sex (it wasn't sex that promted the thought process, but it's one of my big problems with most religions), yet willing to forgive a monster who, after a lifetime of true evil, spouted platitudes at the last minute. Well, Christianity was out, Islam was out and Judaism was out. The eastern religions were appealing, but I never felt that connection to them that I once felt to Christianity. I played with Greco-Roman polytheism for a while, but even that was just a last grasp at something that was now missing.

At the end of the day, I was unable to feel faith. I was also unable to feel its absence. Something which I think is characteristic of a loss of faith. When you lose something, you miss it. I don't miss it.

I sometimes miss the surity of how the universe worked, but then, everyone gets afraid sometimes, and I'll admit not knowing makes me afraid.

But oddly, I think my life it richer because I don't have faith. It's not there to get in the way. If you know how something works, you don't ask how it works. Because I don't have faith, because I don't know, I'm always asking how things work.

So, back to the conversation. I've been wondering, since we had it, but I believe. I've come to the conclusion that I don't. Belief and faith are to connected. You can't believe without faith or evidence. I've got neither. But I can think.

I think that "God" is better defined as "Universe". I think the Universe is an amoral force. I think it is the organism writ large. Just as each cell in the organism performs a function, each item in the universe performs a function. And like an organism, the whole is more than the some of its parts. At the end of the day, everything in the universe combines to create something beautiful and terrible and wonderful. I think that the Universe, God, the Divine or what ever you wish to call it is an emergent property of the universe (note the lower case "u").

I also think that at any given moment, I'm free to think something else.